Couldn't, Wouldn't, Shouldn't...Wasn't

I have tried my best to hide how I feel but I couldn't
I tried to not feel the pain and make it go away but it wouldn't
I want make you wrap your arms around me but I know that I shouldn't
I thought it's easy to not be with you, I was wrong because it wasn't

I asked you if you loved me you answered by "I couldn't"
I asked you if you will ever love me you said "I wouldn't"
I asked you again if you can try to learn to love me you said "I shouldn't"
I then said that I always knew you were the one but you said "I wasn't"

It's hard to pretend that it can be mended when it couldn't
I have laid myself here hoping that my heart would heal but it wouldn't
I still feel for you and I still love you when I know I shouldn't
Wishing that I was the one in your heart when I know that I wasn't

Bothered By Complications

What am I going to do now? You see, today I got caught in a web that I couldn't escape. Sometimes I consider being a Filipino a flaw. It's such a pain that we have the kind of culture that produces the new generation of "Romeos and Juliet's" (I don't mean the romantic part, I'm actually talking about the suicidal part).

I'm a smart woman, in fact it's very hard to find anybody else like me in this world. But why am I having this difficulty? I'm usually rational, I'm usually very sensible. But why is my heart deciding against being right?? Or perhaps being rational? What's wrong with me?

I'm a Minister's kid. A "PK" (Pastor's Kid). Being a PK, my life is so damn complicated. I grew up in a church (that was literal). We literally lived in a Pastoral House behind our church. The stage was my playground. As a kid, the only nursery songs I memorized were the ones that kids sang at church. I was pretty good at keeping a tune. Ha ha! I also loved working on little drawings that developed into pretty good pictures. The first human I drew looked like a box with stick feet and arms and round eyes with no iris. (maybe I originally invented spongebob) hehe. I drew them on these weird collection of children's books that we had. They were stacked on our mini bookshelf. I really enjoyed looking at the pictures and then drawing at the spaces (margins) of the book. I had my drawing join the ones that was already on the book. (what am I talking about???) ha ha. I just started a major flashback. Oh well, I already wrote those and I won't bother deleting it.

I want to understand myself and who I am. Maybe I'd understand myself more if I started studying myself from how I used to remember "me". I have a lot of questions. I want these questions answered. But am I the one to answer it myself.

Hey... I just had another flashback (please stay sane). I used to buy cherry gumballs and eat it until my mouth turned red. I played by the uncemented road and dug holes on the ground. I turned the soil I dug into little hills and I dug through it with my bare dirty hands pretending they were little tunnels through a mountain. I did that and imagined many things until it's almost dark. I didn't care about what time it is. All I knew was that there was breakfast, lunch and then dinner. I so dreamed of making my own tiolet bowl. I thought carefully how they're made. I had this friend who played with me all the time. He lived right accross our house. He created the toilet with me. We started with a tiny hole. I asked him to pee on it and it overflowed so we discarded the hole. Our ideas started to become more sophisticated when the old people started asking us what we're trying to do. I told them that we're inventing a toilet for kids. Ha ha! They thought it was funny so they supported our ideas. Did I already mention that the location of our project was my friend's front yard? When they saw that we were going somewhere since we already dug a deep hole. (deep for 4 year olds) and placed wood over it and concealed the wood with more soil then we decided on the shape of our throne. The old people helped. They created a cemented tiny toilet on top of the hole we dug. I asked my friend (he's a guy) to pee on it and it safely went down. We considered it a success. I just don't know what happened to it after that, since after we're done with it, all I remember was that we plotted to steal the ripe guavas that his mother planted after the dirty toilet project. He he!

Alright, alright... now I don't know where I'm getting at. But hey, this is blogging!! I can say what I want right?

Right now, I'm problematic. This medium is part of the media and I'm still very uncertain if I want this problem of mine published. So I guess these thoughts had something to do with making me feel better. The picture I had here was me and my younger brother at the age where I played with the boys until I got tired and nobody cared.

Understanding What Couldn't Be Understood

EMOTIONS?

However we try, it's hard to understand the feeling that LOVE brings about.

Yes, yes. I know that you're always hearing things about love and probably are starting to get tired hearing about it. Maybe even tired talking about it yourself.

Ha! So here you are caught in a page with ramblings about the same old topic you read about every single freakin' day. But hey, tell you what, people write about it page after page trying to tell people that they've finally cracked it. They've finally found the formula as to how they could explain and understand the meaning of what we all feel. Oh yes, I said we "ALL". Nobody is exempted.

How could we explain something that we don't and couldn't really understand? How can we define something that varies in every persons realization of it?

I'm puzzled many times. How powerful is Love that many could die, kill and hurt for it? How strong is it that it could end the possibility of living a beautiful life? You may define it differently from how I would... actually, I'm pretty certain that you would.

I don't know but it's something that makes our lives go round. It's something that helps us continue and have dreams that we want to fulfill. I'm very skeptical about the idea that emotions can be defined as to where and how they came to haunt or taunt a person.

I can't imagine living in a place that is without these complications. Whenever people explains or expresses how they feel, it would seem to me like they're talking about life itself. As if it is the only thing that ever mattered to them. It's that strong!

So how exactly do we understand what couldn't be understood? Well, what I saw is, you really don't. You just let it be. Which is contrary to what's logical. But hey, isn't LOVE always beyond what's logical? ( at least this is the case for the most people that I know, haha. )

Ciao!